I think we misunderstand basic concepts in Christianity. Like the concept of Heaven and Hell. Good people end up in Heaven, bad people end up in the other place. We treat them like destinations, places you arrive after a life of whatever. What if Heaven and Hell are realities you experience while going through life? What if good decisions lead you through a heavenly existence and bad decisions lead you through hell on Earth. That sounds more like God’s intention (if one man can even comment on what the Creator intended). It just seems like God would be more interested in what you do with the life He gives you than the end of that life.
Another concept I think we misunderstand is the concept of Finding. In Christianity, we find the treasure of Salvation as if it’s one time occurrence. In marriage, we find our wives like it’s a single act. We say “I Do”, we get married and we stop there. It’s like those people who spend their life’s savings on a single-day wedding and have nothing left over for a house to live in, a car to drive or anything to jump start a life together.
I think there is a misinterpretation of scripture that contributes to this confusion. When Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing” we think the good thing is the reward for finding a wife. I was once told that the “thing” was sex and you got it legally after marriage. (Let’s pause here and say a prayer for that poor guy). I think the wife is the good thing and we keep finding nuances of her over and over again as we journey through life. It’s the concept of Continual Finding.
To understand the concept of Continual Finding I think we have to expand our view of women. As a man, this may seem hard to do because we see women as having been taken out of man. A kindred being, our other half, maybe even our better half. That’s all true but not the compete story. That story doesn’t take into account the fullness of the being God created when He made woman.
When God created man and woman He created each of us in His likeness, in His image. This alone should remove the limitations on any definition we have for man or woman and allow us to see any attribute or characteristic that God ascribes. I see that best in Proverbs 31 when God gives us a glimpse of the multivariate nature of one kind of woman, the virtuous wife. Verse 10 says, “Who can find a virtuous wife?” then the rest of chapter 31 explains the most diverse woman ever imaginable.
- She seeks wool and flax, And willingly works with her hands (she’s a clothing manufacturer)
- She considers a field and buys it (she’s a real estate investor)
- She girds herself with strength, And strengthens her arms (she’s a bodybuilder and a Peloton instructor)
- She perceives that her merchandise is good (she sells merchandise on ebay, Amazon and Etsy)
- She extends her hand to the poor (she volunteers at the local nonprofit)
- She makes tapestry for herself (she’s a seamstress and an artist)
- She opens her mouth with wisdom (she’s a teacher and a motivational speaker)
- Her children rise up and call her blessed (and she is a mother of 2+ children).
The initial indication is that Proverbs 31 refers to many women. In reading the scripture, it hardly seems like one woman could be all of those things. Well maybe not at once. And maybe that’s the point. So I recommend a new definition of what it means to “find” in the context of marriage.
Find [fīnd] (verb) to identify the most recent evolution of your wife, to meet your wife at her current stage.
When I was a kid I wanted to be a doctor and a lawyer. Those were two professions my mother said were good so I naturally said I would be both of them. I also wanted to be a football player and a carpenter. I’m not strange, most kids will say that they want to be some form of doctor – lawyer – firefighter – teacher – actor – athlete – model when they grow up. They usually hold that belief – that they can do it all – until enough adults tell them that they can’t. “Well you can’t be all those things. Why don’t you just pick one.”
The marital corollary to that situation happens when your wife says she wants to go back to school and you say, “No, Honey, you’re a mother“. Then she wants to get a real estate license and you say, “No, Honey, you’re a mother“. Or when your wife is already working outside the home and says she wants to be a stay-at-home mother you say, “No, Honey, you’re a real estate agent.”
The only thing holding me back from being a doctor – lawyer – football player – carpenter is time and effort. Likewise, the only thing holding my wife back from the full evolution of herself is time and effort. Time to go from a mother to a manufacturer to a motivational speaker. And the effort to practice, plan and prepare to be those things. I have determined that I won’t be the thing that holds her back. Whatever her progression in life, it’s my job to encourage her along the way and it’s my privilege to find her at every milestone. Because the man who keeps finding his wife keeps finding a good thing and enjoys Heaven throughout the process.