One of my best workdays happened when I managed a Radio Shack store. I was helping one of our regular customers, this really sweet older lady who looked like everyone’s grandma. She didn’t understand electronics but somehow she always needed something. When I greeted her on that particular day her face brightened and she said, “Oh good, I hoped I would get you.”. I guess she made my job feel purposeful, like it mattered whether I was on the clock or not.
It was customers like grandma that made work fun. Of course, after 10 hours on your feet in a mall store, spending time with grandma didn’t make you forget you were at work. Work is draining. Work is the curse on Adam for the original sin. This is why it’s strange for me to hear people talk about marriage in relation to work. Strange statements like “marriage is work” or “marriage takes work” or “if you want to have a good marriage then you have to work at it”.
Marriage and work are two different things and there is no codependent relationship between them. To be clear, the married life does include some types of work. For example, when my wife and I do our Saturday chores, it feels like work. When we discuss how to make a dollar out of 15 cents, it feels like work. When we try to figure out the new tax code and what it means for our money, it feels like work. But this work isn’t related to marriage, it’s related to life. If I were single I would still have to clean the kitchen and I would still think the new tax code was stupid.
I think the false idea that marriage requires work is comforting to people. I think believing that marriage takes work gives people a sense of control over their own destiny. As depressing as it sounds, to say that marriage requires work is to say that I can make my marriage successful if I just work hard enough. And if I work extra hard I can have an extra great marriage. More work = better marriage. No, that’s bull!
There are many things that make a good marriage great and a great marriage fantastic. I can’t list all of the individual things here but I can tell you that most of them revolve around relationship building. For example, more talking = better marriage. More listening = better marriage. More date nights = better marriage. More thoughtful gifts = better marriage.
Talking and listening and dating each other and exchanging gifts whose value far outweigh the cost – these are all important ways to build a better relationship with your spouse. They require energy. They require effort. But, the key difference between them and work is that they never leave you drained, weary or unfulfilled. I consider these to be investments into a better relationship.
I encourage everyone to forget the myth that marriage requires lots of work. Life takes work (Thanks a lot, Adam) but marriage makes life better. To improve your marriage, forget the work and make investments. Invest time in conversation. Invest money in thoughtful gifts. Invest your energy in doing your wife’s chores. Invest your words in uplifting your spouse. Invest your body in making your wife’s body feel better. These are the investments of marriage. And if they feel like work then you’re doing them wrong.